"To Death and Back"
Rating: R (On fanfiction.net, here it's NC-17! Or whatever's higher...)
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. If I did I would love to have a peice of Heero. But alas, I don't. So pity on me. If you do not like lemons do not bother to read this fic. Yea right, That was the warning before. One specific bloody fool of a prude (And they know EXACTLY who they bloody are)did not listen to that warning though and my fic was thrown off. So I edited this time around and censored it so that it can be this site's TOSfriendly. The lemons will from now on be posted on my LiveJournal. Please, please remember to drop me a review. A good author loves those. And I will not stand for anyone coming around and saying I stole this fic! I am Abhilasha, I just decided to go by Lady A from now on. GOT IT!
2 Years after Endless Waltz all the Gundam pilots have moved on with their lives and have become romantically involved with other women. The earth and the colonies are now at peace with eachother. Everyone now seems to have their own lives. But when the girls find out that the guys are living their lives with others they decide that enough is enough and suddenly disappear. After one year of the pilots frantically conducting investigations the girls finally return. But the damage done to them is more then the pilots can fathom. How can they stop monsters they helped to create?
Pairings: Relena/ Heero, Hilde/ Duo, Dorothy/ Quatre, Catherine/ Trowa ( In this fic they aren't related. OK?), Sally/ Wufei, Noin/ Zechs. ENJOY!
In this Chapter: The girls find out what the pilots have been up to. Relena forgets she's a pacifist and there's going to be hell to pay.
Chapter 1:
A woman's anger... It isn't a pretty thing
Rating R
No, She refused to believe it. It couldn't be true. God Dammit! Someone tell her it wasn't true! But by the look on Hilde's face through the vid screen she felt the same way, Meaning it had to be true. Her world had just collapsed and she wasn't the only one falling through a dark pit.
"That son of a bitch! He tells me he's leaving to go work for the preventers and that he'll be back and what does he do! He dissapears on me forcing me to contact Sally to find out what he's doing with himself and I find this! I know we where never together but fuck him! He had no right to let me develop feelings for him if he was planning on finding himself a little slut to screw with!", Hilde yelled in anger. What she really felt was a strong burning in her chest signifying what would be called heartbreak. And why? Because the asshole whom she had fallen in love with was with someone else. Duo Maxwell, One of the 5 biggest bastards in the universe. The other 4 being Heero Yuy, Who by the look on poor Relena's face was going to know the pain of screwing with someone who forgets they are a pacifist. Quatre Winner, Who she thought was the sweetest guy around! Seems Dorothy wasn't the only one who got a surprise from him. Trowa Barton, Ohhh Mr. No-talk was sure going to get alot more then just a talk from Catherine. And low and behold Mr. Dignity himself, Wufei Chang, Proves he has no dignity. And to think Sally had to work with him and see him with his little hussy every day! Those men might have not been romantically involved with them but they had no right to let them develop feelings like that. And to hell with them if they said they had done nothing to incourage those feelings. To hell with them!
X
Dorothy sat in front of her computer re-reading the information sent to her by Hilde. She felt dizzy from the pain she was experiencing at the moment. A picture of a very sexy red head stared back at her as if mocking her. So this is the bitch Quatre choose over her. After so much time spent on fixing herself to accept what she felt for him and to be good enough for him, He so easily forgets she exists to go with this hazel eyed slut. She had never felt such anger. Such hate, Nor such despair. And she knew that Relena, Hilde, Sally, and Catherine were with her in those feelings. Not that that did any good. She hated the fact that sweet Relena was most likely suffering even more than they were. She had fallen in love with Heero long before the rest of them had come to terms with their own feelings. She was going to kill Heero. And he was lucky if she got to him before Relena did. That was for sure.
X
Catherine laughed. What more could she do? She refused to cry. But even as she laughed at the info she was reading she felt the tears start to spill from her gray green eyes. All those years at the circus she thought Trowa was just a boy who had feelings for her but couldn't give in to them because of the war. Now she could give thanks to Trowa for proving her the fool. He never cared for her. Never would. And here she was crying her eyes out because she had fallen in love with him. And the black haired vixen staring back at her from the picture that was sent to her was the woman who caught his eye. Well they could both go to hell. She was most likely to meet them there anyway.
X
Sally sat at her desk rubbing her temple. She never had the intentions of being the bearer of bad news but Hilde had asked for the info and she had a right to know. As did the other girls. Hilde had told her she was planning on sending all the info to the girls. She could just imagine the rage they were feeling. No, Not imagine, She knew. She had been feeling the same rage for the past 4 months. That's how long the guys had been with their new girlfriends. Well all except Heero. He had been with Sherylin for 6 months. She couldn't help but smirk. The woman had blond hair and blue eyes and not to mention a striking resemblance to Relena. And the woman didn't even know about Relena. Sure she knew that another girl had caught Heero's 'attention' before she came along but she had no idea who. It was going to be a laugh when she found out. She was just a toy to help Heero forget Relena. He felt she was too perfect for him so he succumbed to the next best thing. A pathetic look-a-like.
Sally hadn't even had the time to send Sherylin's picture to Relena. Sherylin's files were being updated and all she was able to send was what she was able to get. Her basic info. It didn't matter. Relena knew, They all knew and that was enough to turn their lives upside down. Only god knew, If he even existed, what would happen next.
X
2 weeks later...
Everyone sat in shock watching the television. The preventers couldn't believe what they were hearing.
"Yes, It came as a shock but not totally unexpected. Relena Dorlian has resigned from her duties without so much as an explanation nor what she plans to do next with her life", The announcer said. "We take you live to the Prime minister's resignment speech as it ends". The shot changed to the exit to the world peace alliance hall where a huge crowd with camera's stood. As Relena walked out one reporter shoved his microphone in her face."Prime Minister Dorlian, Can you give us a reason for your all of the sudden resignment?", The reporter asked.
Relena looked up and gave him a look the made everyone back off. "No. Comment.", She said in a cold voice. Looking down once again she pushed her way through the crowd leaving her bodyguards behind. She didn't even wait for the driver to open the door for her she just pushed him aside as well and got into the limo.
The preventer's sat back stunned. Duo turned off the tv and looked around the room at everybody. "Can someone please tell me what's going on?", He asked.
"Relena resigned. And I've lost complete track of her", Une said walking in. "And it seems she isn't the only one".
"What do you mean?", Wufei said scowling.
"Hilde, Catherine, Dorothy and Sally have completely disappeared. I'm just hoping they're all together", Une said lightly. Something told her they had found out. It's the only reason why this would happen. She knew Sally would hit her limit sometime soon. Seems that day came sooner then expected.
"Why would they disappear like that? Where would they go?", Quatre asked worried. He was starting to imagine the worst. What if they were kidnapped? What would be done to them? And he couldn't lie to himself. He couldn't stand the thought that Dorothy could be in danger. Looking over at Kelly, His girlfriend, He decided that it was because he considered her a friend. As he did all the other girls.
"Well, I can't tell you where they would go. But I can imagine why they decided to disappear", Une said looking at the ex-Gundam pilots and their 'respective' other's before walking out.
The pilots looked at the ground quietly. Yeah, They could imagine why as well. Now all they could do was look for them and pray nothing happened to them either.
X
"Are you sure you made sure that we can not be traced?", Catherine said addressing Sally and Hilde.
"Of course. The last thing we need is those assholes coming after us", Hilde said bitterly. They were busy loading the ship her and Sally would be piloting. All the girls were there already except Relena. Once she arrived they would be leaving to the terra forming project in Mars. From there they would put to action their plan. They had no intentions of starting a war but they did have the intentions of creating some chaos for the preventers. God knew they had created enough chaos in their lives as it was.
"Sorry I'm late. It was a headache getting through the amount of people waiting for me outside my house", Relena said walking up to them. None of the girls commented about the blood on her beige dress coat, They figured she had done what had to be done.
"I assume the other girls are inside the ship already", She said looking up at the ship. When Hilde nodded at her she decided to go inside and settle in. They would be leaving soon anyway.
Once inside Relena sat in her seat and strapped up. She looked at Dorothy and Catherine and saw the same contained grief she saw on Hilde and Sally's face outside. The same grief she knew her eyes were portraying. After about another 10 minutes she felt the engine of the small ship come to life and Sally tell the girls over the speaker to fasten up. About another minute later she felt the familiar sensation of the ship take off. She wasn't an expert but she knew that the ship was going extremely fast. They were in a hurry to get to their destination before the preventers had a chance of finding them.
Sighing she looked out the window. Heero had once told her he was protecting her from himself. That if he gave her what she wanted it would cause her great harm. What the hell does he think I am? An angel, Relena thought angrily. Well if he did he was about to lose that perception. Thanks to him she had lost all and any 'angelicness' she had ever had. Her last concious thought before she fell asleep was what his girlfriend looked like.
Relena awoke slowly with a weird feeling. She sleepily looked around at the girls who were both reading books. Blinking she inhaled as the feeling got worse. Something was wrong. She knew it. She kept looking around until something caught her attention from the corner of her eye. She looked out the window and her eyes widened. Whatever it was, It was approaching fast.
Before she could utter a word she felt the ship tilt to the side from the impact. But it didn't stop there. The ship kept turning until it did a 180 degree turn and next thing she knew she was looking down at the ceiling of the ship. It wasn't over yet. Another hit to the ship sent Catherine out of her seat. Relena watched horrified as Catherine landed head first on the ceiling. She could no longer see Catherine's face but a pool of blood had started to form under her. Relena closed her eyes and looked away.
Another hit came to the ship and this time the ship lurched to the side. Catherine flew unto Dorothy who looked at the gash across her face horrified as well. Relena was about to call out to Dorothy when the ship was hit again making it fly unto it's other side. Both Dorothy and Catherine flew out of the seat and hit the other side of the ship. When the ship was hit again it started rocking back and forth from side to side. At this point Relena thought she was going to faint. Dorothy was now unconcious and Relena could hear the sickening thud of their bodies hitting the sides of the ship everytime it moved.
The ship then tilted back and Relena saw the door that led to the pilot's cockpit fly off it's hinges and Hilde's body fall out and hit the back of the ship along with the door. As the ship kept lurching Relena could see Sally's body hitting the sides of the cockpit until it too came flying out unto one of the sides of the ship. Then just as she felt her seatbelt about to give out and send her flying as well the glass window of the cockpit broke sending shards of glass flying towards the back. The oxygen immediately left the ship but Relena didn't even have a chance to notice when a huge shard of glass flew at her. The last thing she felt before she lost conciousness was the searing pain in her chest when the glass went through. Then the world went black.
X
Author's notes: So what'd ya think? Not to exciting or eventful I know but this was only meant as the introduction to the story. It'll get better. And longer. I promise. Please drop me a review. And if you have to criticise it then please let it be construtive criticism. I would love very much to know ways of improving my story. Thanks in advance.
NEXT CHAPTER:
Duo took off his helmet and looked at everybody. They all looked at him expectingly. "I found the ship. There wasn't any bodies in it", He said his jaw tightening.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Fee Fie Fo Fum...
an⋅ger
–noun
| 1. | a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire. |
| 2. | Chiefly British Dialect. pain or smart, as of a sore. |
| 3. | Obsolete. grief; trouble. |
–verb (used with object)
| 4. | to arouse anger or wrath in. |
| 5. | Chiefly British Dialect. to cause to smart; inflame. |
–verb (used without object)
| 6. | to become angry: He angers with little provocation. |
It's funny. I sit here and read that definition and somehow I can not help but feel that it is unmistakeably inadequate. Bland. It's almost as if the word is being underestimated. It's not being given it's due respect. It's awe, majesty, it's sheer awesomeness is being disregarded. In other words, it's power.
Anger is much, much more than that definition makes it seem. Anyone who has ever felt it, and by that I mean everyone on this planet, knows that anger is a power to fear and to respect. It is also, understandably, one of the most destructive forces on this planet. It can create as well but rarely can it do it's best as when it's destroying. It can destroy lives, relationship and even whole countries if allowed.
I speak from experience on some of these manners, of course.
I am very passionate. Anyone who is would know that hand in hand with that comes anger. I get angry so easily. I get indignant so easily. As soon as I feel that there has been some form of "injustice" committed against me then I go off like Pompeii's volcano.
Yes, I know, that is most definitely not a good thing. I know it. Everyone who knows me knows it. But in my moments of anger I tend to very conveniently forget.
(Take note some of you unaware fools, I am admitting a serious fault).
I hurt the feelings of those around me. Yes, many times they hurt mine. I'm not saying that I don't have a right to feel angry. It's how I deal with it that puts me at fault. I explode. I yell. I get, as part of that pissy definition says, belligerent. I have to admit no matter how much it hurts my pride, who in their right mind would actually want to listen to that?
What I'm saying is, and I'm really striving to keep this short, that people like me with anger issues need to find a new way to deal with the anger no matter how justified it is. You will never get what you want out of another person by yelling at them. I'm sure that in the moments you've been yelled at it only makes you want to do the opposite of what you are being told to do in that one moment. Well then it's not hard to imagine what that person is feeling when it's you doing the yelling. Get it?
Yes, I am a firm advocate for the putting yourself in the other persons' shows thing.
Now I'd like to tell you that I've already magically, and very intelligently, found the solution to this problem. I'd love to give you step by step instructions to follow that would point you in the right direction towards complete anger control. I can't. I humbly admit that I can't. I have only begun to try and do so. I'm still learning how to crawl in this process.
Not only that but everyone is different. We all feel on different levels therefore we all respond differently. What is the best advice that I can give for now?
The same as always. Think. Try and think before you act. Think before you blow up. Try maybe writing down why you feel so hurt that you need to lose control. See if it's rational by putting it down on paper. And if it is, if you have every reason, well then do so in the best diplomatic manner as possible. That might not guarantee that you'll get what you want out of it but at least you'll get that person to listen.
In this selfish day and age it's the most we can really ask for anyway.
Nyddi, out.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
An ode to a great writer...
http://www.helium.com/items/1433653-judgment-of-others
At the above URL can be found an article by a woman maybe not widely known but massively talented nonetheless. Her article is about judgment of others. This is a very touchy subject in my opinion. This world in one form or another lives surfing a tidal wive of judgment. Me writing this right now will be a form of judgment. This world will always be full of judgment. Why? Because people have different points of view. Because of this, one person will always say the other is wrong. It's a way of life, yet, it does not always have to be such a hurtful one.
We tend to forget certain things in our moments of judgment. Like that the person we are judging has feelings. As Francis Shea puts it so perfectly at the beginning of her article:
"I live by the philosophy that if I am going to point my finger at someone in judgement, then I had better be pointing 3 fingers back at myself. I, most certainly am not "perfect" and I will be the first one to admit that I am not."
That is the number one thing we tend to forget when judging others harshly. Yes, the person we are speaking of might be so far from perfect it's hilarious but what about us? Are we the epitome of perfection? (If you think you are I would suggest promptly scheduling a visit to your nearest psychologist). The logical answer is no. We are not and we do not like to admit it.
That's right. We hate to be wrong. Many might be ready to admit when they are but there is not one person who can say that they like to be wrong. When someone stands there and tells you that you are wrong because of the way you are, that stings. It stings so much that you either rush to get away from the cause of that sting, aka the judgment, or you rush to attack back with your own. See how this can become a vicious cycle that could ultimately cause more pain than it's worth?
Francis Shea knows what she's talking about. When she says:
At the above URL can be found an article by a woman maybe not widely known but massively talented nonetheless. Her article is about judgment of others. This is a very touchy subject in my opinion. This world in one form or another lives surfing a tidal wive of judgment. Me writing this right now will be a form of judgment. This world will always be full of judgment. Why? Because people have different points of view. Because of this, one person will always say the other is wrong. It's a way of life, yet, it does not always have to be such a hurtful one.
We tend to forget certain things in our moments of judgment. Like that the person we are judging has feelings. As Francis Shea puts it so perfectly at the beginning of her article:
"I live by the philosophy that if I am going to point my finger at someone in judgement, then I had better be pointing 3 fingers back at myself. I, most certainly am not "perfect" and I will be the first one to admit that I am not."
That is the number one thing we tend to forget when judging others harshly. Yes, the person we are speaking of might be so far from perfect it's hilarious but what about us? Are we the epitome of perfection? (If you think you are I would suggest promptly scheduling a visit to your nearest psychologist). The logical answer is no. We are not and we do not like to admit it.
That's right. We hate to be wrong. Many might be ready to admit when they are but there is not one person who can say that they like to be wrong. When someone stands there and tells you that you are wrong because of the way you are, that stings. It stings so much that you either rush to get away from the cause of that sting, aka the judgment, or you rush to attack back with your own. See how this can become a vicious cycle that could ultimately cause more pain than it's worth?
Francis Shea knows what she's talking about. When she says:
"I am beginning to wonder if it's even possible to go through life without judgment. Seriously, think about it for a moment. Every time you have an opinion other than your own about someone else in whatever capacity and you express that to another person in a negative way, it's possible you may be passing judgment on somebody else. You may not even know it at the time, but what may come out of your mouth could perhaps injure the other person in some way, shape or form.
I know for a fact I have been on the receiving end of comments that have not only hurt my self-esteem but had me questioning the love of the person who made them. I had to ask myself, when I questioned the actions of that particular person, was I being judgmental? Perhaps, I was. Maybe I could've dealt with my feelings surrounding the hurtful comment and not necessarily with the question of why this very important person in my life would want to hurt me, maybe then I would not have been judgmental."
What she is really saying is stop. Take a second and think about this clearly. Yes, very true is the fact that a world without judgment is not entirely possible. But what about a world without extremely hurtful judgment? That can be possible. I believe so, Francis believes so. How is that possible you might wonder?
Easy. THINK before you talk. THINK before you form an opinion. THINK, THINK, THINK. Learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes instead of just living only in yours. That person can not fully imagine how your thought process works, what is the driving force behind your actions. True, the same goes for you but that's why it hurts when someone judges you. Why wouldn't it hurt them when you are the one judging?
I myself was teased ruthlessly at an age where my self-esteem was just starting to develop. I was ten years old, in fifth grade, when everyone in my class thought it would be fun to make me the blunt of their judgment. Needless to say that was not at all a fun year for me. They teased, or in another words judged, me about everything. The true and the false. The false would be easy to get over as time went by. It was the things that were true that they poked at and that would haunt me for years to come. My self-esteem became practically non-existent. Depression would soon follow. My life would revolve around self-pity for years.
It's not fun. It actually quite sad. And this was done to me by kids who thought it would be fun. I'm sure some of them truly meant me no harm but they caused it anyway. That's why me and Francis, who's real name is Kim by the way :P, are urging you to listen. Things can be different if each of us tried their best to make it so.
Catch the rest of this writers wonderful work at Helium.com. You can now officially find me there as well!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Blah....
Wow, this world is going to hell.
Or heaven, I have yet to decide. Still, it tends to be quite...disappointing.
I don't have much to say today, BIG surprise, other than to express how disappointed I am. I live in the city, one of the biggest. New York.
Oh, how the name alone must send a shudder down your spine. And if it doesn't then you have obviously bought into all the media hype given to this place but let me tell you, it's hell. Everything that has gone wrong with humanity can be found here.
No, I'm not talking about what Christian prudes might talk about. I love gay people. They are FREE. I love parties, sex all that stuff. It's human nature. You'll all come to learn how much I love human nature.
But still, with all the 'freedom' the people here possess they are still miserable. Not only that they seem determined to bring everyone down into their misery. The levels of rudeness here are unprecedented in history. I don't even think the Romans were so cocky in their dislike for others like people in cities are.
Everyone is too busy to be human here past a certain point. Selfishness reigns supreme amongst all the classes. From the poor to the rich. Human charity has gone to the dogs.
Well, it's why I write these blogs. No one might ever follow it, maybe one day someone will. If someone does read it I hope they can understand what I'm trying to do. We can be beautiful, we can be kind, we can be one with nature and our God by following our kind instincts. But it's become ok to follow the ugly ones.
It is not your urges that define you, it is how you control them. It is which ones you know are ok to let loose and which ones have to stay locked within the monster in you. We all have one. Not one person on this Earth does not have an ugly side. How will you control yours?, now that is a question worth asking.
And if I am wrong in all I say, if I am wrong in my intentions than I can only say this:
I am already in hell, let the whole world join me.
-Nyddi
Or heaven, I have yet to decide. Still, it tends to be quite...disappointing.
I don't have much to say today, BIG surprise, other than to express how disappointed I am. I live in the city, one of the biggest. New York.
Oh, how the name alone must send a shudder down your spine. And if it doesn't then you have obviously bought into all the media hype given to this place but let me tell you, it's hell. Everything that has gone wrong with humanity can be found here.
No, I'm not talking about what Christian prudes might talk about. I love gay people. They are FREE. I love parties, sex all that stuff. It's human nature. You'll all come to learn how much I love human nature.
But still, with all the 'freedom' the people here possess they are still miserable. Not only that they seem determined to bring everyone down into their misery. The levels of rudeness here are unprecedented in history. I don't even think the Romans were so cocky in their dislike for others like people in cities are.
Everyone is too busy to be human here past a certain point. Selfishness reigns supreme amongst all the classes. From the poor to the rich. Human charity has gone to the dogs.
Well, it's why I write these blogs. No one might ever follow it, maybe one day someone will. If someone does read it I hope they can understand what I'm trying to do. We can be beautiful, we can be kind, we can be one with nature and our God by following our kind instincts. But it's become ok to follow the ugly ones.
It is not your urges that define you, it is how you control them. It is which ones you know are ok to let loose and which ones have to stay locked within the monster in you. We all have one. Not one person on this Earth does not have an ugly side. How will you control yours?, now that is a question worth asking.
And if I am wrong in all I say, if I am wrong in my intentions than I can only say this:
I am already in hell, let the whole world join me.
-Nyddi
Friday, June 5, 2009
You are all wasting valueable time.
shame
noun, verb, shamed, sham⋅ing.
–noun
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
2.
susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.
3.
disgrace; ignominy: His actions brought shame upon his parents.
4.
a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret: The bankruptcy of the business was a shame. It was a shame you couldn't come with us.
–verb (used with object)
5.
to cause to feel shame; make ashamed: His cowardice shamed him.
6.
to drive, force, etc., through shame: He shamed her into going.
7.
to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.—Idioms
8.
for shame! you should feel ashamed!: What a thing to say to your mother! For shame!
9.
put to shame,
a.
to cause to suffer shame or disgrace.
b.
to outdo; surpass: She played so well she put all the other tennis players to shame.
-Courtesy Dictionary.com
Wow! Look at that list. That is one word that has a lot to say for itself, doesn't it? Well I have a lot to say about it.
Number one: It's USELESS.
Yes, you heard right. It is of no real importance. And I can prove it. I will do so by simply examining the definition above and the consequences that it can tend to have in some one's life.
Let's start with the first, shall we?
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
Ouch! Look at the second word in that sentence. Painful. Yes. That's true. Anyone who has ever been made to feel shame can agree. It's painful, and I said made because as small children we truly have no real concept of shame. The feeling arises from the consciousness. It makes you feel that you or someone you care about has done something dishonorable, improper, or even ridiculous.
Now those three words have their uses but we must agree that their meanings are taught to us. At the age of 4 or 5 we just run around doing as we wish until someone controls us. The adults in our lives. Bare with me but I want you to follow what I'm saying as I try to reawaken a certain feeling in you.
Can you remember being 4 or 5? Can you remember how the world seemed open, friendly, a huge fantasy playground in which you could do anything you wanted? Do you remember how happy that made you? That freedom tasted sweeter than anything else.
Until...our parents, our teachers, our caregivers decided that we were 'out of hand'. They made this decision for us based on what they believed was correct. Not what was truly, indisputably correct, no. Only what they thought was correct. Then they told us to stop. To cease our silly behaviours.
If you were anything like me I'm sure there was a time when you asked, "But why?".
We were putting them in a tricky situation by being so bold to ask, but of course they always had some reason, some explanation handy, and if they didn't, they made it up. They said either what they truly believed or what they wanted us to believe in order to get us to do what they wanted.
Please, take a pause and read the last part of that sentence again. What they wanted. Not what we wanted, no, someone else.
And it didn't stop there.
Then we go to school. A whole new world is open to us. A world in which we now begin to experience minds outside of the home. Some were like us (and by us I do not mean that you and I are exactly alike. I mean that everyone is different and everyone will meet people out there similar to them every once in a while), some were not. Now these kids, the ones that would soon become your 'bullies' if you will, they were not accepting if you did not agree with them.
Hell, maybe you were the one who wasn't accepting when someone disagreed with you. But the point is you then went on to follow the most aptly put saying in the world..."monkey see, monkey do".
The adults in your life had already begun molding you, making you into what would be comfortable for them to have amongst them. It was now your turn to mimic their behaviour and begin trying to do the same to those in your surroundings.
Thus, criticism was introduced into your life.
Now criticism in it's own right will definitely have it's own post, a very, very long one, but we all know what it means. We all know what it can do. Now realize, knowing this then deep down you have to know the power the person criticizing you suddenly has.
Yes. Power. The thing we all crave deep down. It's only human nature to want it no matter how wrong you know it is to do so. But that's also going to be another post.
Now criticism begins to take it's hold. Not only are the adults in your life now telling you that you are wrong but some of your peers are as well. Without any really clear definition they teach you slowly but surely what to be ashamed of.
And shame is born. It's now there, slithering from brain cell to brain cell; a dark, misty fog that begins to cloud the light inside. The silly things, the eccentric things that once made you happy are now being told they are bad. Your two inner voices (yes, we have two) are now at war. One is saying do these things, the other is saying that they are bad. And most likely they weren't bad at all. Maybe, just maybe, there were only different from the norm.
They were the things that made you happy.
These naysayers soon follow you into your adult life. Over the course of time you will try once again to do what makes the individual in you happy. Once again they will be there telling you no. This becomes even worse in your teenage years. Those are the years where who you are tries once again to burst forth with the fury of a thousand hell hounds (thus rebellion :P) and there is everyone again. There they are, wagging their fingers and shaking their heads.
Misery is slowly making it's way into you.
Shame is nothing but misery. And it's the most powerful weapon anyone could ever hold over another. This is when what people think about you starts meaning more to you than what you want. What they might say if you were to do something becomes a massively influential factor in whether you do it or not. They are now, with a simple wag of their tongues, in control of your very existence. They decide what you do. Not you.
Now shame of course can mean something when it's applied correctly. But it's not. It's probably the most abused concept ever. Take a look at the bible. See how they controlled? Before the seventies, was anyone different truly happy? There are things in this life that when done deserve real shame.
Murder. Rape. Pedophilia. You get the point.
Sexuality, religion, your likes in music, clothes, etc. Those are the things that need to be left alone. The things that make you a unique you. Do you really think there is anything out there more beautiful than that you. I might not know you, I know nothing about you, but I know this:
You are beautiful. Maybe not physically, but inside there's a unique individual that can not be compared to any other. There is someone that can not be replicated. That is what makes you priceless. Think of it. Sometimes you'll find yourself asking: why would someone pay millions of dollars for a one of a kind work of art that anyone would probably say looks like shit? The uneducated people will say it looks like shit. But the one doing the buying, to them, it's worth the money. They can appreciate the beauty in it because it's the only one of it's kind.
I hope you can somehow understand what I'm getting at. You are you. There will never be another you. Your kids might come close. Reincarnation might exist. Yet, it will never be the same you that exists right now, at this moment.
Read the parts of the definition I highlighted. Try to understand what I'm getting at. If you take anything away from this post let it be this:
Shame is a waste of your time. Shame and the thoughts it brings get in the way of you doing what you wish when you wish. Shame is brought on by a fear of what others might think of you. Are they really worth so much that your inner voice, your true voice, becomes locked within you?
"He who can, does; he who cannot, teaches."- George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950
noun, verb, shamed, sham⋅ing.
–noun
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
2.
susceptibility to this feeling: to be without shame.
3.
disgrace; ignominy: His actions brought shame upon his parents.
4.
a fact or circumstance bringing disgrace or regret: The bankruptcy of the business was a shame. It was a shame you couldn't come with us.
–verb (used with object)
5.
to cause to feel shame; make ashamed: His cowardice shamed him.
6.
to drive, force, etc., through shame: He shamed her into going.
7.
to cover with ignominy or reproach; disgrace.—Idioms
8.
for shame! you should feel ashamed!: What a thing to say to your mother! For shame!
9.
put to shame,
a.
to cause to suffer shame or disgrace.
b.
to outdo; surpass: She played so well she put all the other tennis players to shame.
-Courtesy Dictionary.com
Wow! Look at that list. That is one word that has a lot to say for itself, doesn't it? Well I have a lot to say about it.
Number one: It's USELESS.
Yes, you heard right. It is of no real importance. And I can prove it. I will do so by simply examining the definition above and the consequences that it can tend to have in some one's life.
Let's start with the first, shall we?
1.
the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.
Ouch! Look at the second word in that sentence. Painful. Yes. That's true. Anyone who has ever been made to feel shame can agree. It's painful, and I said made because as small children we truly have no real concept of shame. The feeling arises from the consciousness. It makes you feel that you or someone you care about has done something dishonorable, improper, or even ridiculous.
Now those three words have their uses but we must agree that their meanings are taught to us. At the age of 4 or 5 we just run around doing as we wish until someone controls us. The adults in our lives. Bare with me but I want you to follow what I'm saying as I try to reawaken a certain feeling in you.
Can you remember being 4 or 5? Can you remember how the world seemed open, friendly, a huge fantasy playground in which you could do anything you wanted? Do you remember how happy that made you? That freedom tasted sweeter than anything else.
Until...our parents, our teachers, our caregivers decided that we were 'out of hand'. They made this decision for us based on what they believed was correct. Not what was truly, indisputably correct, no. Only what they thought was correct. Then they told us to stop. To cease our silly behaviours.
If you were anything like me I'm sure there was a time when you asked, "But why?".
We were putting them in a tricky situation by being so bold to ask, but of course they always had some reason, some explanation handy, and if they didn't, they made it up. They said either what they truly believed or what they wanted us to believe in order to get us to do what they wanted.
Please, take a pause and read the last part of that sentence again. What they wanted. Not what we wanted, no, someone else.
And it didn't stop there.
Then we go to school. A whole new world is open to us. A world in which we now begin to experience minds outside of the home. Some were like us (and by us I do not mean that you and I are exactly alike. I mean that everyone is different and everyone will meet people out there similar to them every once in a while), some were not. Now these kids, the ones that would soon become your 'bullies' if you will, they were not accepting if you did not agree with them.
Hell, maybe you were the one who wasn't accepting when someone disagreed with you. But the point is you then went on to follow the most aptly put saying in the world..."monkey see, monkey do".
The adults in your life had already begun molding you, making you into what would be comfortable for them to have amongst them. It was now your turn to mimic their behaviour and begin trying to do the same to those in your surroundings.
Thus, criticism was introduced into your life.
Now criticism in it's own right will definitely have it's own post, a very, very long one, but we all know what it means. We all know what it can do. Now realize, knowing this then deep down you have to know the power the person criticizing you suddenly has.
Yes. Power. The thing we all crave deep down. It's only human nature to want it no matter how wrong you know it is to do so. But that's also going to be another post.
Now criticism begins to take it's hold. Not only are the adults in your life now telling you that you are wrong but some of your peers are as well. Without any really clear definition they teach you slowly but surely what to be ashamed of.
And shame is born. It's now there, slithering from brain cell to brain cell; a dark, misty fog that begins to cloud the light inside. The silly things, the eccentric things that once made you happy are now being told they are bad. Your two inner voices (yes, we have two) are now at war. One is saying do these things, the other is saying that they are bad. And most likely they weren't bad at all. Maybe, just maybe, there were only different from the norm.
They were the things that made you happy.
These naysayers soon follow you into your adult life. Over the course of time you will try once again to do what makes the individual in you happy. Once again they will be there telling you no. This becomes even worse in your teenage years. Those are the years where who you are tries once again to burst forth with the fury of a thousand hell hounds (thus rebellion :P) and there is everyone again. There they are, wagging their fingers and shaking their heads.
Misery is slowly making it's way into you.
Shame is nothing but misery. And it's the most powerful weapon anyone could ever hold over another. This is when what people think about you starts meaning more to you than what you want. What they might say if you were to do something becomes a massively influential factor in whether you do it or not. They are now, with a simple wag of their tongues, in control of your very existence. They decide what you do. Not you.
Now shame of course can mean something when it's applied correctly. But it's not. It's probably the most abused concept ever. Take a look at the bible. See how they controlled? Before the seventies, was anyone different truly happy? There are things in this life that when done deserve real shame.
Murder. Rape. Pedophilia. You get the point.
Sexuality, religion, your likes in music, clothes, etc. Those are the things that need to be left alone. The things that make you a unique you. Do you really think there is anything out there more beautiful than that you. I might not know you, I know nothing about you, but I know this:
You are beautiful. Maybe not physically, but inside there's a unique individual that can not be compared to any other. There is someone that can not be replicated. That is what makes you priceless. Think of it. Sometimes you'll find yourself asking: why would someone pay millions of dollars for a one of a kind work of art that anyone would probably say looks like shit? The uneducated people will say it looks like shit. But the one doing the buying, to them, it's worth the money. They can appreciate the beauty in it because it's the only one of it's kind.
I hope you can somehow understand what I'm getting at. You are you. There will never be another you. Your kids might come close. Reincarnation might exist. Yet, it will never be the same you that exists right now, at this moment.
Read the parts of the definition I highlighted. Try to understand what I'm getting at. If you take anything away from this post let it be this:
Shame is a waste of your time. Shame and the thoughts it brings get in the way of you doing what you wish when you wish. Shame is brought on by a fear of what others might think of you. Are they really worth so much that your inner voice, your true voice, becomes locked within you?
"He who can, does; he who cannot, teaches."- George Bernard Shaw 1856-1950
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
